RELOCATED

And so, after a long disappearance, here I am again.

With news of a relocation.

FOREVER JANUARY

And onward we go!

The Elusive Happiness

Today was supposed to be an awesome day. It was GOING to be an awesome day.

But no.

I swear, I think that in order for me to have awesome days I must avoid people AT ALL COSTS. Because there’s some sort of globally broadcasted message that when I am having a good day, someone needs to come along and ruin it.

Even if they probably didn’t intend on ruining it, they do. They burden me with problems I can’t fix and they don’t respond to any moves I make to cheer them up.

I’m not going to be vague about this. Sometimes, The Yankee makes me want to choke him. Why can’t he be happy? He has so fucking much to be thankful for and all he EVER focuses on are the things he can’t control or the things that got messed up. Yeah, things get me down A LOT—I understand perfectly how it feels. But I don’t DWELL on it! I move on! Yeah, it really sucked that I was homeless in Finland with no money for weeks and I was in the middle of a divorce. But I managed. I just remembered the things I DID have—friends that cared about me and my babies.

Just when things start looking better, he has to come in and muck it all up. Why? Does he LIKE being miserable? Is he really that incapable of seeing the positive in ANYTHING?

I really like him, but it’s days like this he just makes me sad and I feel like there’s nothing I can do for him and so I should leave. Apparently I don’t assist his happiness. I’m not saying I should make him happy, but I am saying I don’t know if I can be with someone who can’t see the good in ANYTHING—who can’t even be a small, meagre amount of happy when I’m honestly trying my damndest to cheer him up. Maybe he can, maybe he can’t. I honestly don’t know because all I ever get to see is someone who can only see the negative side of matters.

And with that thought, I’m going to bed.

Fear and Loathing in Louisiana

Sometimes, I just want to give in.

I can’t possibly do everything. I can’t make everyone happy. I feel so worthless sometimes. I feel like I should be the perfect person and I can’t be—it makes me feel very inadequate.

I saw a postcard once in PostSecrets that said something along the lines of, “I feel pretty until I step outside.” That’s me.

I think for years I’ve given off the aura that I’m a strong person. I’m not. I’m really, really not. I’m so fragile on the inside it’s unbelievable. It’s really the little things that break me, though. Those tiny little actions that wear away my foundation.

I always seem to let people hurt me. I brush it off, say it’s okay, “Don’t worry, I’m fine.” I’m not. I hold onto things forever. I’m always going to remember that The Finn doesn’t love me anymore, that The Yankee just doesn’t think I’m quite attractive enough for him. Even if the words are taken back eventually, it’s not the same. I can’t help but think every time he looks at me or touches me, “Does he still feel that way?”

I fight demons of self-loathing every day and it makes me so tired.

Why can’t I be the person I want to be?

People ask me if I’m excited to go back to school. I say no, I say I feel indifferent.

I lied.

I’m terrified.

I’m not discontinued.

It’s amazing the things I will raise hell about and the things I won’t, the things that I can ignore and the things that will ruin my day (or week) completely.

Around Thursday of last week, my favourite lipstick came up missing. When this usually happens, I heave a big sigh and just go buy another tube. But this lipstick is special: it’s discontinued. That word can strike fear into the heart of any women. It’s a word that can cause riots. But yes. My utmost favourite lipstick, Aveda’s Lip Satin lipstick in Red Ore, has been discontinued. It’s been so for a while now. Those bastards also discontinued my favourite perfume! Anyway. This tiny tube of colour is special. It matches my lips and skin tone perfectly. Just a tiny, tiny covering gives so much colour and the smell is pleasantly minty.

And it was lost. LOST!

I felt somewhat naked this entire weekend without it. I had looked everywhere for it to no avail—except the one place all women should probably THOROUGHLY search when something is lost. Yes, you know where I’m taking about … THE PURSE. I didn’t empty out my purse and so assumed it wasn’t in there, but today at work I emptied my purse ENTIRELY and there it was, at the very bottom.

It felt like being reunited with a very old friend.

I still have a good three inches of lipstick left to her. I’m hoping she’ll last me for many years to come.

In other non-lipstick related news, I start school tomorrow. I am not excited. The Yankee sent me flowers at work, which was a nice surprise and made me happy. I asked him if he had looked up the meaning of giving a woman irises and red tulips and of course he said no. Then he said he didn’t disagree with any of it and I could just chew on that. Well, I won’t. I don’t need the L-word muddying up my non-L-related relationship.

I still think he doesn’t quite know what he wants, but I don’t know how I feel about that, either. I should probably make some sort of decision of how “this is going to be”, but I don’t feel like doing that right now. It’s simply in my nature to play things by ear and pounce when no one is looking and least expects it.

The Diet, It Is A’Changing

Now that I have snuggled my way down into a pant size smaller than what I’ve been wearing, I feel wholly renewed in terms of diet modification and working out. I’m ready to “kick it up a notch”.

Which is where SuperFoods comes into play. I haven’t received my books in the mail yet (SuperFoods HealthStyle: Proven Strategies for Lifelong Health and SuperFoods Rx: Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life) but already I have started incorporating more fruits, vegetables and whole-wheat products into my diet. No more coke has been a big change and I’ve been doing well with that. In the morning now I have green or black tea instead of coffee and I’ve reduced my sugar intake from 6 tablespoons (yes, SIX) of white, refined sugar to one small packet of Sugar in the Raw and 1 teaspoon of honey. I still maintain that all that sugar is what makes me a sweet, charming Southern belle! Honestly! But, eventually, I hope to convert fully to just 1 tsp. honey and then to no sugars at all.

Last night I bought whole-wheat noodles instead of the regular ones and tonight or tomorrow night plan on making a dish with them. We’ll see what I manage to cook up.

Most importantly, though, I don’t discuss my diet changes with my family. There are those that only want to mock it and then there are those that say, “Oh, what diet are you on? I might want to do it with you.” In which case I tell them to get off their ass, TRULY assess what they are putting into their bodies and CHANGE it. That’s what I’m doing. They, like most Americans, want a “quick fix”, a ‘get skinny in 2 weeks’ kind of diet. But it just doesn’t work that way and they’re forever going to be fat because they won’t change their way of thinking.

Lunch for today consists of organic peanut butter and jelly sandwich on light honey wheat bread with an orange.

I get a feeling this might turn into a weight loss blog, hehe!

I’m also going to take a moment to mention that Justin Timberlake’s new song “Sexy Back” is going to be forever permanently stuck in my head. It’s a true travesty and it is driving me insane (“I’m bringin’ sexy baaaaaack”). I WILL refrain from dancing in the office. Honest, I will.

I’ll just sit on my feet.

More Detailed Update

So I said I was going to update eons ago and I didn’t. Sorry! Things have just been so hectic lately.

The Return of Seamus

Nov. 29^th I flew back to Finland to get Seamus, landing on the 30^th. I get off the plane, meet my friend and then go back to his place to unload my luggage. After resting for about an hour, we head off to Riihimäki. I message The Finn that I’m coming and, like always, he’s not cooperating. Still, I persevere. I get there and head to the house we used to share. Strangely, all the lights are on. I peek around the corner and there’s a woman painting on the computer room! I message The Finn to tell him someone’s here and I’m about to knock on the door. He sends another message back to say that it’s just his girlfriend, there’s no need to talk to her and that he’ll bring Seamus to me. I say that’s not good enough because he’s not very trustworthy. So, after more threatening to speak to his new girlfriend, he agrees to come pick me up and bring me to Seamus. After waiting several more hours and then a long drive into the country, Seamus and I are reunited!

The woman that was keeping him only spoke Finnish but from what I understood, she’s had Seamus for a very long time—probably starting about a month after I left Finland if that.

Anyway. Seamus is now back in the USA with his mama and I just couldn’t be happier to have my baby dog here with me again.

On Being Single

So I’m single again. And as I said before, I’m okay with that. The Yankee, whom I had been dating for about 6-7 months, told me the day before I left for Finland in more words or less that he didn’t find me attractive and I should get all my stuff from his apartment and give him back his key.

Well, I got my stuff from his apartment but he’s been out of town working in Texas so I hadn’t seen him to give him back his key. Then, this previous Thursday, he messages me to say that he’ll be in town this weekend if I’d like to talk. At any rate I need to give him his key back so I say fine, I’ll see if I have the time for it.

I meet up with him Friday evening and we take a ride where he apologies to me for the things he’s said and asks if he can have my permission to try and win my forgiveness and possibly start seeing me again. I suppose since he did ask and I’m just a nice person that doesn’t want to be angry with people (I also believe people deserve a second chance sometimes), I say fine, that he can try. We’ll see if he follows through.

At any rate, I’ve started dating again and he’s aware that he does have competition. My date on the 8^th of this month was a charming cameraman who I enjoyed the company of immensely but our schedules haven’t allowed for a second date just yet. Just have to see!

Continuing Education

The university is giving me the run around. I suppose this is the Rite of Passage for my patience/acceptance/tolerance levels. I don’t have much to say about it just yet—only that they’ll be getting calls from me every two days until something is resolved about my application.

I swear they only get the dumbest students available to work in the Office of Admissions.

My office Christmas party was this past Saturday and I had a really good time. I was slightly tipsy and I threw all my introverted insecurities to the wind and got out on the dance floor and danced.

You know what? It felt really good. I’m glad I did it instead of being a wallflower all night.