'Just Keep Swimming...'

I have contended for the longest time that sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes, it is simply better to just not know. While I always had my suspicions that my former husband had found someone else, I never really knew. Not until now.

And it hurts. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to just break down where I stand and cry my eyes out. I won’t, of course. I’m too stoic a person for such antics. I lick my wounds in private. But it doesn’t lessen the pain.

I haven’t seen that man in months. And aside from asking him about Seamus and the cats here and there, I have had little to no contact with him.

This whole ordeal makes me feel inadequate and worthless. I know I’ll bounce back—I always do—but for now I feel like I’m at the bottom of the barrel again.

I just have to breathe and think that by the end of this year, it’ll be over. I’m going to go get Seamus and then it will be over. He won’t have my baby dog anymore and I won’t have to have any contact with him if I don’t want to.

“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming …”

'So Tell Me What You Want...'

For months while dating I’ve wrestled with the question of, “What do I want?” I could never really answer it, either. So often do I ignore my own wants for the needs of others and it’s time I stop that. This is supposed to be a new era in my life and I should make it that way.

That said, I want this: to be courted. I do not want to have to pursue a man. I want, for a change, to be pursued. I want old school romance and chivalry with flowers and chocolates and casual words of flattery (“You have gorgeous hair”) and actual dates. Actual dates. Not, “Hey, want to go meet up for a cup of coffee?”

But how does one even go about achieving this in a modern world where courtship is a dying trend and everyone wants immediate gratification? This is the world of one-night stands and speed dating. Romance and roses seem lost somewhere in the dust of yesteryear.

Men—and women—do not seem to want to put forth the effort that courting involves. It’s kind of saddening in a way.

I do know that I find myself feeling more and more sad the more people I have casual coffee “dates” with. This isn’t what I want and it doesn’t make me feel special. Along with wanting to be courted, I want to feel special. I want to feel like I’m worth someone’s time, because I think I am.

For once, I’d just like someone to agree with me and show it.