Even chickens have more brains...

I believe the perfect way to sum up my day is this: when I arrived at work this morning, I found out that I had put my underwear on inside out. Classic, no?

I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Actually, it’s so bad that Saturday I ran into the corner of a wall and almost knocked myself out cold. Yes, you read that right. Ran into a wall. I am continually amazed by how many muscles are attached to my brow bone and how often I lift my eyebrows at people. Not lately though, of course, because it hurts like hell to do so. I still have a bit of a bump there. Amazingly, my eyebrow isn’t VISIBLY bruised. It just hurts like hell.

I’m scared about going to Finland, about all the things that could go wrong. I suppose it’s because I have a very obvious lack of control over many factors and this is causing me to worry excessively. I want things to be perfect and when they’re not, I get upset and worried.

My work hired a new girl who started today. I’m a little sad that I wasn’t offered to be promoted into her position. It’s a little disconcerting. I’ll get over it, though. I guess they figured they are going to keep me where I’m at (which is the bottom of the barrel) since they know I’ll probably be cutting back heavily on hours when/if I start up college again.

Speaking of college ... Debt scares the living daylights out of me. I have managed for a good while to live debt-free and man-oh-man I wish I could keep it that way. But, I’ve pretty much capped out in terms of career-growth and I need to go back to school if I want to go anywhere higher in my life. Still ... thoughts of thousands of dollars of debt and no new car make me pout and sigh at night. I hope my little clunker can hold out that long.

This Calls For War

You know, I never wanted to become the “ex from hell,” but it seems lately as if I have little choice.

My now-ex-husband has ceased all contact with me in regards to my dog, Seamus, and has ceased all correspondence with my Finnish friend as well (he was trying to get Seamus for me so that I will have easy access to him when I go to Finland in November).

At this point, it doesn’t matter if it takes me years—unless a court rules that I cannot have Seamus, I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to get my baby dog back. That’s just how it is. I have some people supporting my determination, others shaking their heads and calling me insane (“It’s just a dog”) and yet others telling me I should just “forget Seamus” all together, that he is probably just fine where he is.

Opinions are like rectums—everyone has one and I probably don’t want to see or hear yours. I don’t tell people in the midst of a bitter custody battle over their children to “just forget the kids” and I find it insulting that some of these people would say as much to me over my dog! I do not have human children and therefore my animals are my children. I understand that you may not be able to comprehend this and that’s okay. But it still gives you no right to call me names and insult me over my decision to FIGHT to get my dog back. I know there are millions of pet owners out there who probably applaud my decision and it may even give them hope if the same thing ever happens to them.

Seamus is my dog, not The Finn’s. He belongs with me, beside me and in my arms.

I sense a brewing storm on the horizon.

Dirge for Opportunities Past

I know many people go through periods of, “If I knew then what I know now…” moments and they are a normal part of this grand experience human beings have labeled “life” (in whatever language you say it in). Still, even with this rational bit of logic in my head, I still can’t help but feel alone in the matter.

Yes, I’m in the process of going back to college. Yes, it’s scary and daunting and I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure. If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken my standardized test with everyone else instead of being a rebel with the attitude of, “You can’t make me!” I would have done it when I still knew how to figure out 7y = 2 x – 5, when things like cos and tan still had some meaning in my head.

And yet, I think of stories of people in their 40s and 50s going back to college. They always say roughly the same thing: it’s never too late to go back to school. This, too, is rational. However, while it may never be too late, no one said is was going to be easy!

For the record, if I even manage to get myself into college (and believe me, I feel pretty stupid right now and am NOT looking forward to spending time with immature twits fresh out of high school), I don’t know how far I’'ll make it. I suppose it’s time to update my work-related wardrobe. I’m sure my youthful appearance will mean I blend in with the twits fairly well. As a side note, I want to become an R.N. Get my degree in nursing. Will I make it that far? I suppose only time will tell.

I have my test coming up on the 28^th. Everyone wish me well! I have actually been studying for it which is something I’ve never done for a test in the past!

Trudging Along

Life is going as it always does, but it seems things are moving so slowly that I have little to nothing of interest to write about.

I’m working on going back to university—which isn’t interesting so much as it is stressful. Working on getting Seamus back, which honestly all seems very fragile now and liable to fall apart at any given moment, especially if my now-ex-husband doesn’t get Seamus vaccinated against rabies in time (US Customs requires that dogs be vaccinated against rabies 30 days to 1 year before departure).

I’ve met a guy. He’s a Yankee. We’re something of an item now. So, see, even back in the States I’m dating “foreigners”, even if only in a mild sense. It’s a nice relationship; much slower and milder than previous relationships I’ve had in the past. For now, though, I feel this is good for my life to have a relationship that isn’t all lust and passion and a tornado of emotions.

I suppose the saddest thing about coming back is that this place no longer feels like home. I feel alienated from the general population. I was different before I left, but now that I’ve returned I feel like a saltwater fish trying to survive in freshwater. I feel like a complete alien and it makes me feel very jaded that few people around me can even begin to comprehend what it’s like to live somewhere foreign. It’s taxing and maddening and there are days I just want to go back to Finland where I knew I was a foreigner so it was okay to feel like one.

For now, though, I am homeless in the sense that I do not feel grounded or attached to any one place. And The Yankee, ironically enough, feels the same. Perhaps that’s why we’re together right now. It’s a nice feeling to be with another nomad that feels the same as you.

Things aren’t moving fast enough for my liking and certain things are not changing as quickly as I would like.

But I’ll deal with it. 2006 and all the painful memories and heartaches that came with it are now winding to an end. I hope this is a good light at the end of the tunnel that I see and not a freight train coming to plough me over.

HOROSCOPE FOR GEMINI, 10/6/06:
Everything seems to come at you quickly now and there may be no way to prepare for what unfolds throughout the day. You may as well give up the notion of finishing your workweek quietly, for you are in a particularly playful mood. It's crucial for you to find something productive to do with your overactive imagination.

I also added a new quote and song of the moment.